Change in my life is a-comin...

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." -Victor Frankl

>smoochez<

Beyond 'Good Enough'

Why have I always been told/ told myself that I'm never good enough?

As a child, I was always told that there was no time for dreams... Dreams were only excuses not to attempt true greatness. I got a little older, and began to belive this "ideal" my family lived by. As I became more obsessed with MY DREAM, my family proved to me they didn't support me. They told me that I wouldn't succeed. They let it be known thay they thought that I would be a failure- like my parents.

Low- freakin- blow.

Having people -seemingly- pray for your failures, is the hardest thing a CHILD can endure. As a young adult trying to find herself, its hard to FIND myself when I've been told forever that I'm not good enough. The psychological impact that has had on me definitely lasted to this day. I'm afraid of succeeding. Silly. I know. But its true.

How can I overcome this psyche I've devloped over time, and follow/chase/hunt and capture my dream? I ALWAYS tell people to go after THEIR dream cuz I know that's where their heart is. "I'm in love with potential." Someone told me that recently. I think it was all I needed. That little push (along with much need hard convo and some introspection) made me realize that I am full of potential. And for SOMEONE ELSE to realize that potential and push it in my face made me want to get off my tush and out of my safety zone and do what it is I've ALWAYS wanted to do. (Thank you.)

Selah.

Random Tidbit thoughts

-i dont belong here.
-i dont feel motivated.
-i dont feel challenged.
-i feel like i could do better than what i am doing.
-i DEFINITELY need a mentor...
-ATL is lookin like a REAL prospect for after graduation relocation.
-People have be undermining my intelligence and worth alot lately.
- why do guys approach me on some kiddy stuff?? "AYE, YO MA!" really???
- feel sorry for ppl... certain ppl at that.


-the time has come for me to awaken and change everything on this list.

Stay Positive and successful!
-xoxo Drea

trick! gimme muh money!!! (lol)

I think I got jipped when I paid for my parking pass.

Parking pass- $105
Tickets I should have paid-$90
Void 1 ticket- -$45
Subtotal- $150
-$5 I left in my car- $145
Lady says I can pay half price for ticket- $122.50
I'm out $22.50 (I think)

Or am I? Had to pay it anyways, right?

what do you represent?

What is the profile of the average minority student in a PWI? Talented 10th or quota standards?
as I'm sitting in my University's Student Union trying to raise money for Haitian relief efforts, I stop trying to flag people down to push money into my team's decorated Timberland box and I spend about 45 minutes "people watching". I notice that my PWI (primarily white institution) was not as diverse as they make it look online or in info packets.
So I'm sitting there watching the hundreds of white/caucasian LOOKING people (there's no way to look at everyone and KNOW their background) and its easy to pick out people and group them into high school cliques... There are the techies, skaters, goths/darkies, populars, artsy types divided into actors, dancers, photographers, graphic designers, and of course the lames.

Then I see one "Black" female. She has on camel Uggs, black leggings, an oversized sweater, a pea coat and Coach purse in hand, and a BAD (defined as "not good") dark brown armpit/mid back length fluffy curly wig thingy. I think to myself "really?"

Next I spot a "Black" male student. I automatically assume he's in a NPHC fraternity because he is clean cut, has on a button down shirt, knee legnth pea coat, dress pants with a belt and nice shoes. He walks with a suttle confidence as he dissapears into the crowd of white faces. As I notice all the white faced young men strolling along I take note of the gross amount of Timberlands, over sized Tees, and baggy jeans. Thinking to myself, I ask, "isn't that the "black" look?" I understand its ignorance on my part to say something like this, but isn't it true?

After a while of sitting here observing and inwardly judging people, my caucasian teammate, Justin, joins me at the table. We exchange greetings and are approached by someone i consciously placed in the "artsy" clique of my mental high school quad. The person drops some coinage into our box and walks away.

The rest of my time sitting at the table in the student union, I pick out a few more "Black" students while trying to guess their level of "Blackatude". This experience brought to questions to mind:

1) Do I need to do a Tyra Show social experiment?
2) Do the African American -scratch that- the Ethnic minorities-scratch that- MINORITIES (Black, African, African American, Indian, West Indian, Asian, Native American, Pacific Islanders, Arabian, physically handicapped, mentally disabled, etc) who are accepted to PWIs the exeption in their homes, communities, cultures? Do they represent a people who were never given a chance to excel and are now being handed a "great" opportunity? Are WE, in our own right, a "Talented 10th" because of our extremely small numbers?

Or are we here to fill quotas? a number? A salary payer?

Ignorance or Self Indentity?

Ever since i was young, my traditional Guyanese family has always talked down "Black" people. As a result, I have shyed away from refering to myself and other Caribbean/ West Indian people as "Black" people. On applications that ask for race or ethnicity information, I ALWAYS check the "OTHER" box and write Caribbean or Guyanese.

I dont refer to myself as being "African- American" or "Black". why? Because in my mind and the minds of my family members, our roots are in Guyana- NOT Africa.

(*SB* Please dont confuse GUYANA with GHANA... i get offended. its like calling a Japanese Chinese.)
I understand the history of the Diaspora- dont get me wrong... I just dont identify with the whole "African- American" title. In my eyes, I am an American-Guyanese or Caribbean/ West Indian individual.

Do you think this is ignorance on my behalf or am i accepting my own view of my self- identity?

Leave the Dramatics for the Actors

Im the type of girl that avoids DRAMA at all costs. I absolutely hate it. but some how, some way it seems to find me.

Im in this class now thats a melting pot of all different types of people. You have your non traditional students, straight outta high school students, black students, white students, hard core rock music lovers, and everything in between. Well, this past month has been a rollercoaster ride for me because im trying to settle into a niche that i dont seem to belong in. Its like tryna put an oval into a circle hole.

bUt anyways... In this clas its like MOST* of the Black/ African American females are straight HOOD. dont get me wrong, Im from the hood, but im not one for tattooing my baby daddy's name smack dab in the middle of my chest, ya feel me? Im very laid back, optimistic, black valley girl type-ah person. Well these females tried to come at me all wreckless and I had to put them in their place- REAL quick. dont talk BS about me behind my back (literally, the seat behind me) and assume you bout to run all over me cuz i dont talk with everyone. im there to get my credentials and get out. im not there to make friends- i got those already. just cuz i articulate my words when speaking with the instructor doesnt mean im weak, or that i think im better than you... blah blah blah. I had to turn around and let chick have it! lol

i simply told her that she doesnt know me or my story and that she needs to stop her ignorant behaviour immediately because its not becoming. and i did it while i was wearing Tims, a hoodie, and bamboo earrings. I may be more educated than more people in this room, but dont undermine my intelligence (or my ghetto girl status for that matter). i can snap my neck and smack my lips with the best of them and have a conversation using words you could only dream of knowing how to pronounce. Lets get it together as Black/ African American/ Minority women and try to uplift each other, NOT pull each other down.

Happy New Year!
Sincerly,
The-Chick-You-Thought-Was-Weak-But-Can-Put-You-In-Your-Place-ASAP
Drea xoxox